30 days

Everyone I know is getting married or pregnant, and I’m just getting drunk.

That was the name of a Facebook group I saw online a week or so ago. It made me laugh. Then it made me sad. Good, bad or otherwise, it’s somewhat the theme of my life right now.

I think the number one reason 30 is getting under my skin, is because I always viewed it as the year I’d start my family. My mom had me at 30, and growing up, I just assumed I’d have my child at 30, too. It always sounded like such a nice, wise age.
My ex never wanted a child with me. I almost, ALMOST, backed out of marrying him at the last minute because I knew I wanted the option to have a baby someday. When I finally challenged him, he somehow convinced me then it would be up for discussion, that we could have a baby if I decided I wanted one. He said we’d talk about it in 5 years. When 5 years came and went, he said we’d talk about it when I was 30.
Much of our marriage was played like that. Like the game of chicken. The whole time I secretly hoped he would change his mind and want a baby. He not-so-secretly hoped I would never pursue the issue seriously. (He campaigned against having a baby anytime he could, even going so far as to convince me I’d be a terrible mother.) But, we both knew someday the game would have to end. We didn’t want the same things in life and someone was going to have to call it quits and walk away.
When I turned 28, I got bit by the baby bug. It was then that I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I wanted to be a mom. Maybe I could even be a GOOD mom while I was at it. But, I also knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I didn’t want my child to have him as a father. I knew how he made me feel about myself (horrible), and I didn’t want him to make a little innocent child feel that way, too. Once I came to that realization, I knew the game was over and I’d have to leave.
I didn’t leave after years of him tearing me down, convincing me I was a worthless person, alienating me from friends and family, or even after he was unfaithful to me. But, I could finally gather the strength to leave for a little person who doesn’t even exist yet. I know I don’t understand what it’s like to be a parent since I’m not one, but I think I’m at least on the right track.
So, that’s why 30 stings a little bit for me. I want a family of my own so badly and I never thought at 30 I wouldn’t have that yet. Everyday I remind myself it’s okay, though, and that my day will come. I know I’m right where I need to be, doing the things I need to do, in order to get there.

Comments

  1. You’re gonna be a great mom!

  2. Alison, you did the right thing, and your heart is (and always has been) in the right place. When you do become a mother, there is no doubt in my mind that you’ll be wonderful at it.

  3. Thank you guys, you have no idea what those words mean to me!!!!

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