a bittersweet day

So, I am utterly tired and lacking a bit of sleep from the past few nights, but I’ve been completely unable to drag myself to bed because my mind is just swirling. I’ve been approaching (technicaly now, just hit, it’s midnight) what would have been my 7th wedding anniversary. My heart is really heavy about it and I’ve gone through a mass of emotions in the past day or two thinking about it. It’s an incredibly odd feeling to be sitting here and thinking what the day should have been, now what it’s not, and trying to sort out how I feel about it all. The day is like a check point for me, I guess. A time to pause and take note.
I suppose the saddest thing about this anniversary, 1st un-anniversary rather, is that I really do believe in marriage and, so obviously, it’s very humiliating that I have a failed one. However, my mom helped remind me today, that because I do value marriage and the family unit so much, that’s why I had to leave the particular one I was in. I took a bit of a detour in life, but learned, and continue to learn, valuable lessons in the process. Perhaps I was meant to weather this storm so that when the real thing comes my way, I will recognize it, cherish it, and not take it for granted? At least, that’s how I choose to look at it. (Personally, I think Hubby #2 is a very lucky fellow, if I do say so myself.)
The not-so-saddest thing about this 1st un-anniversary, is that I can truly say I have made amazing progress on the healing front! It’s only been 7 months since the madness began (though, arguably, the detachment was set in motion long before that) yet things about my married life are already starting to blur and it’s turning into one huge out of focus picture. For the initial few months I was here, thinking of my old routine in AZ still felt familiar and normal, my new routine here felt clumsy and foreign. Now the roles have reversed. I am finally, mostly, in the swing of the “single” life and love it! I no longer feel like the new kid on the block, or like a guest in my own life. My lime green wall isn’t just a novelty anymore, rather, my lime green wall is something familiar. It’s home. The realization of this shift is a pretty big deal. It’s a sign that I am moving on from my divorce and settled in. Truly moving on, not just going through the motions anymore. Yet, it’s also a terrifying thought, all at the same time.
It’s terrifying, because now the next step? Letting go and sealing up an entire era of my life. Closure. It’s one thing to WANT to move on and to start healing, but officially letting go and obtaining the liberating feeling of genuine closure is an entirely different matter, or so it feels like to me. Not only do I have to completely let the other person go (and I’m a Nosy Nellie, that’s no easy task, haha) – sadly, I also have to let an old version of myself go, too. To me, that’s final and scary business. I guess I got through everything else thus far, I can see myself through this, too!
With all that said, I’m going to take one more quick moment of silence to pay respects to what this day once represented, then I’ll dry my tears, and be able to put another chunk of this all behind me. Goodbye, December 22nd, you’re not mine anymore.
For now . . . time for bed. And when I wake up – it will just be a day like every other day. And, really, am I ever thankful for it – consciously smushing an anniversary so close to the holidays and everyone’s birthdays was not such a smart idea in the first place, haha!!! Marriage #2? I’m thinking March. It’s always a dreary month and could use something to perk it up. Yes, March it is.
Poor lad has no idea what he’s in store for, does he? :).

Comments

  1. Nope this isn’t your day anymore – it’s Brady’s! The timing was kind of ironic based on our life of parallels.

    And March for wedding #2 is perfect because it will be dreary in CO and will give everyone a chance to escape for a tropical paradise!

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