a brand new shiny day

While I feel like I am in a good place . . . I admittedly am so because I am very careful about censoring what I see or think about. I don’t look at old photos. I won’t allow myself to think about old memories (which is so sad because we had so many wonderful adventures that feel now like they never even happened). I scroll quickly past pictures of families vacationing in places we would have gone and I won’t read any articles in my newsfeed from HuffPo about marriage and how hard, yet how worth it, it is.

I know in due time all of those things will get easier and not sting or fill my head with the loud noise of wondering WHY CAN ALL THESE PEOPLE MAKE IT WORK, BUT WE CAN’T?! . . .  but for now, I am doing well because I am am treating my soul with kid gloves and eliminating as many triggers as I can.

Last night, as I was mindlessly scrolling through social media I finally stumbled on an article that didn’t make me recoil or angry hot all over. It was an article about divorce. About the pain and accepting the change. Of forgiveness. And, also, the hope that a New Year brings, even if for a split second, which makes everything okay.

I cling to articles like this because it reminds me, in a sea of “perfect” people in my social media feed, that not everyone IS perfect. That there are others fighting their own battles out there, somewhere, similar to my own. And that just because I don’t have a family that looks like what it “should”, it doesn’t mean I am not just as capable of having a bright new shiny day of my own. (Side note: I want to quit Facebook. I hate it. It’s an affliction. But, I won’t quit it. Because I’m too dang nosey and would hate to feel left out of a digital world every one else participates in.)

Anyway.

A little snippet from the article particularly stood out to me . . . this explains how I feel to a T and is stated in a more articulate manner than I ever could:

[I] started to believe not only that I could forgive him, but that I already had forgiven him. Along with the gut-twisting, rush of sadness, there came a deep vessel overflowing with forgiveness

[A]ll of this happened because I allowed myself to let go of the anger and feel the sadness that comes when we hone in on the Painful Truth with a capital P and T. And the Painful Truth of this matter is…  I loved him, and he broke my heart, and it is the saddest story of my life.

And even though much of what he’s done is not okay, and never will be okay… I’m going to be okay. The past is gone, today is a brand new shiny day, and even if it’s not great… it’s still going to be okay.

– See more at: http://www.scarymommy.com/the-shower-that-washed-everything-away/#sthash.n853qW43.dpuf

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