anywhere, usa

I spent a short stint in a small town in Nevada for work last week. I really enjoyed it and it was a surprisingly amazing feeling I had being in a town where I knew not a single soul, or more importantly, where I had no history. No ties. No expectations . . . no disappointments.

I had a brand new Ford Mustang as a rental car and as I roared up and down I-80, I felt as free as a bird. It was hard not to just step on the gas and drive on and on and on, to savor that feeling forever.

When I came home to Denver, descending into the city in the middle of a massive rain and lightening storm late at night, I felt heavy. Anything but as free as a bird. Walking into the terminal increased the heaviness, as I watched happy couples reunite and children hop up and down in excitement to see mom or dad or grandma or grandpa.

All that was there to greet me in the terminal was my own high expectations, history, and responsibilities that are deeply rooted in this city.

I drove home with wipers on full blast, unable to see a car length in front of me for most of the way, feeling incredibly alone and wishing I could be anywhere but here. I started wondering why I felt so amazing and free in Nevada, yet so suffocated coming back home . . . and it got me wondering if Denver is really where I am meant to stay? Would I be happier somewhere else?

Then I started thinking about moving. Imaging myself packing up and just starting fresh. I could do it. I’m resilient and tough, much stronger than I often give myself credit for. And it could be an adventure. And when I finally felt at home in that new city, how fantastically rewarding would that feel?

Now, I know myself well enough to know that when the going gets tough, I just want to get going . . . as far away from the conflict as possible. When it comes to fight or flight . . . I most certainly always always have the urge to flee from anything remotely unpleasant. So, I know on many levels, the idea of moving is just my way of hoping to outrun all the crappy emotions and thoughts rolling around in my head lately . . . my ticking biological clock, my ego which was recently crushed, the wondering of what life is going to bring my way and all the shear terror I feel when I think that possibly life isn’t going to be what I originally had planned.

I know now is not the time to make any hasty decisions.

But, even so . . . days after coming home, of resting up, of thinking through everything rationally . . .  I still have this lingering fantasy of packing up and moving to anywhere, USA. I have this strong sense that perhaps giving myself that challenge, that adventure, just might shake me out of my comfort zone and make me realize my full potential.

Anyway, who knows, right? At the very least . . . it’s an idea that just makes me feel good to roll around in my head. I don’t know if I’d ever actually decide to go through with it,  but I do know just thinking about it and researching the possibilities is enough to remind me, for now, that I can be as free as bird in anywhere, USA . . . even here.

Comments

  1. “If you ever find happiness by hunting for it, you will find it as the old woman did her spectacles. Safe on her own nose all the time.” J.Billings

  2. ((Hugs))

    Come to Austin! I miss you, Al! Hypothetically, have you been thinking of any cities in particular?!

  3. kell – i do have some cities in mind :). i’ll have to ping you offline my ideas. and yes, austin, i am 100% for sure making a trip this year!!!!

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