as single as the days are long

At the risk of sounding incredibly depressing here (this post gets better, I promise), I’m posting this article I found online today about why social rejection, specifically break-ups, can actually cause physical pain. It’s actually pretty fascinating – the video is worth a watch if you’ve ever felt physically sick over a social situation and wondered why. 


For the record, I’m not over here drowning in sorrows, I’m very much functional, but I won’t lie – the whole weekend I have felt incredibly poor and I’ve fought the urge to sob in the fetal position pretty much the whole time. I’ve been trying to re-read some old posts to remind me how much worse things could be, to get some perspective on this whole situation. And it has helped a ton. I mean, if I can get through something like this, it’s hard for me to justify feeling so poorly right now.


But, I know why I feel so poorly. It’s because I’m back at square one and so many “what ifs” are back in the picture. It’s because I’ve lost S as a friend and I miss him. It’s because I’m filled with the fear again that no one will ever love me and I will be alone for the rest of my life. It’s because it’s tiring watching everyone else I know move on and upward (and I hate hate hate being jealous, it’s the one emotion I rarely allow myself to feel), while here I am, suspended in the same state I’ve been in for the past two years. While so many things have changed and I should give myself credit for, so many things are still the same . . . 


I’m still as single as the days are long and I have a hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.


In an attempt to feel better, I actually seriously contemplated putting on my running shoes this morning and going for a run to release some endorphins. I got so far as my patio, though, to check the temps and it was already steaming hot, so I opted out. But, just contemplating it so seriously is a pretty big step for me. (Everyone knows how much I HATE running.) 


I chose instead though to google the physical effect of heartache and found the article above; and it’s definitely nice to know there is a scientific reason for my physical slump, at least. 


That’s enough to make me feel slightly better. 


I’m normal. Great.  


In other, more upbeat, news, I did have a really great weekend despite it all. I really love the Fourth of July!!!


I saw two movies (Hangover II – hilarious, now I want a pet monkey; and Super 8 – which equals super cute), hung out at a local amusement park (nothing like getting your adrenalin going on some coasters), listened to some live music in a park (it was hot as hell, but still an experience), and took a midnight bike ride downtown among some highlights (I learned the hard way that you should not ride parallel to train tracks – bike tires get stuck – fast). My broken hand (which is 85% healed) didn’t appreciate the bike ride, but it was such a fun adventure, it was worth it and nothing some Advil didn’t cure later.


This afternoon I went out to my parents’ house for the first time in a while and ate some tasty BBQ and played with my mom and dad’s new android phones. I installed Words with Friends and Angry Birds for them and my mom insisted on taking my picture with the cartoon effect on her phone . . . kinda fun . . . 



Now I’m trying to get myself organized for the week and prepare for a move next weekend . . . 


Oy vey.

Comments

  1. Happy 4th of July! It sounds like you’re continuing to roll with the punches and dealing with everything as best as you can. A realistic outlook and sense of humor are going to take you far my friend!

  2. I wish I knew what to say to make your situation different, but obviously anything I say won’t change anything. I do appreciate you being honest with yourself and your feelings and not sugar coating it all. Maybe all of these trials are making you grow into just the person that your soulmate is looking for?? Don’t give up hope. You have a lot to offer someone!

  3. I saw this and thought cute:
    “Desperation is like stealing from the Mafia: you stand a good chance of attracting the wrong attention.”

    I say go for the running shoes.

    Love, ma

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