blue skies

“Bad stuff does happen sometimes . . . but remember that you have to move on, somehow. You just pick your head up and stare at something beautiful like the sky, or the ocean, and you move the hell on.” ~James Patterson in Suzanne’s Diary to Nicholas

I’ve spent the past few days staring at palm trees, books, and the blue sky.

Trying to find peace and the inner-strength to accept and move on.

He Who Shall Not Be Named booked us a last minute trip to Phoenix . . . where in the Valley of the Sun it’s warm and bright and we could just relax and take in large quantities of vitamin D.

It’s almost a little ironic . . . coming back to Phoenix, the city I exited to start fresh after the last round of truly bad stuff happened in my life.

But, it certainly was appropriate and helped me gain back a bit of perspective.

Coming back to a place that holds a lot of unpleasant memories reminds me that bad stuff often becomes just that . . . unpleasant memories. I also have to remember it’s all part of the road leading us to wherever we’re meant to go.

Leaving Phoenix broken years ago . . . I had no clue what the future held and at times it felt bleak like I was never meant to be loved or have a happy family.

But, He Who Shall Not Be Named was out there and everything was leading me to him. And I know one day we’ll build a happy, healthy family together . . . it just wasn’t meant to be right now.

I’ve lasted over 24 hours without crying.

I still have a hard time reading all the pregnancy announcements, status updates, etc. on Facebook. And seeing a pregnant woman in person is just a little kick in my stomach. I can’t help that.

I’m not jealous of anyone, it’s not quite like that. I don’t wish to be in anyone else’s shoes nor do I think I’ll never have what they have . . . it just hurts because that was just me . . . and now it’s just . . .


* * *

Today is the first day of Spring.

One year ago today was also The Best Day Ever.

He Who Shall Not Be Named and I got engaged.

It’s nuts to think what has transpired in the past year . . . it feels like we’ve lived a thousand lives since then.

I’m sure in another year we’ll have lived a thousand more – and that gives me comfort.

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