closing time

This morning, I quietly closed on the sale of my Arizona house. Just 10 minutes and three signatures later and I am no longer a homeowner. It was a surprisingly simple and anti-climatic way to effectively close the door on almost a decade of my life. With this business put behind me, I have absolutely no reason to ever see my ex again.
Two weeks ago, I probably would have assumed my ex and I would continue to stay in contact in some way, even after all of our joint business was laid to rest. I never imagined him out of my life entirely. How could I, though, since he’s been such a major part of it for so long? While we obviously got divorced for a reason, we also got married for a reason long ago, too. It’s a hard thing for the heart and mind to reconcile – to imagine someone once so very important, reduced to the role of . . . nothing. However, with the news I got last week, that he has a girlfriend, or wants a girlfriend, or whatever the heck she ends up being to him, that was the last jolt I needed to realize we have no business in each others’ lives moving forward. I don’t want to know him in his new life. And I don’t want him to know me in mine.
I had the whole closing scene planned out in my head for the past week. We’d walk out to the parking lot after signing, he’d probably try and be sentimental and give me a hug. I’d back away and say, with a huge smile on my face, “take care” and get in my car and drive away for good, all while not looking back once. Exude a sense of confidence, indifference to the whole situation. Of course, this is me, and John, we’re talking about here. So, of course it didn’t quite go down like that.
When I arrived at closing, I was shaking like a leaf. I had dressed nicely, I mean, who wouldn’t want to look stellar when seeing someone for the very last time? I got there first, even though I purposefully arrived late. When he got there, I couldn’t look at him and I ignored his every attempt to start a conversation with me. He commented at how dressed up I was and wondered if I was already at my new job. I suddenly regretted my outfit choice (though I did look cute) and just mumbled I had meetings and things.
After finalizing the paperwork, we walked outside together in silence to the cars. I was shooting for my quick good bye, but he had to go and give me a pitying smile and say, “It’s not like we’re never going to see each other again.” So, there it was. A comment that unleashed something in me I hadn’t prepared a speech for. All bets for my calm, cool, collected parting were off.
Now, most of the 30 minute conversation we had seems like a blur. Thankfully, I didn’t cry, though. My voice wavered and I got choked up, but I didn’t cry. I just wanted to try to convey to him I didn’t want to see him again. To stop pretending we’re friends, because we’re not. That I need complete space now to move on and I won’t be contacting him, I don’t need him contacting me anymore.
He brought up the fact again he was dating someone, that he was sorry to hurt me, he cares about me, yadda yadda yadda. (Obviously thinking if I hadn’t had that bit of knowledge, I wouldn’t be so adamant about cutting off contact after today.) I replied with how can he freak out about not seeing me again so much if he has a girlfriend? How would SHE feel, knowing he was still so concerned with me, my feelings, etc? How would SHE perceive it, him standing in the parking lot at that very moment, choking up over me, not able to say good bye . . . I told him it was none of my business, but that if he is getting involved with another person, he probably shouldn’t still care about me so much.
When the conversation had no where else to go (not that it was ever going anywhere from the beginning), I cracked a joke. We laughed and then he went to give me a hug and said he’ll see me on the “other side” of this someday. I just pulled away from him and smiled and said, “that’s the awesome thing, we already ARE on the other side.”
Then, I left, almost backing into another car on my way out (wouldn’t THAT have been nice?!).
Overall, it wasn’t the epic ending I would have hoped for, but that’s okay. It never is, I suppose. Things in life don’t end with bells and whistles, a big bang, cheers or Bittersweet Symphony playing in the background. But, at least I do have the comfort of knowing this all ended with my head held high and knowing I have nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed of. I was exceedingly cooperative and kind to him in all of this divorce settlement stuff, even when I didn’t need to be. I kept the separation relatively drama free and real; I never once regretted my decision or looked back. Through all of this, I have no doubt that I know who I am and I know what I want out of life.
So . . . I suppose that’s a wrap! Next Monday I will be starting my new job – I’m trying desperately to get back into the gym (successfully went to 3 spinning classes last week) and I’m just READY . . . ready to get settled into a new routine and embrace this next chapter in my life. Another friend’s status on Facebook the other day talked about how once she was able to shed the emotional baggage from a previous relationship, she was able to also get in physical shape and shed the pounds she gained as a result of the breakup. I am only hoping that can prove to be the case with me, as well :).

Comments

  1. Congrats on being done with it all. Sounds like an emotional rollercoaster. Are you sure you want to get rid of your scrapbooks? Even if you never look at them again and keep them in the box, at least you’d still have them. That was a part of your life, that’s behind you now, and I’m sure you had at least a few good memories depicted in the scrapbook.

    Oh, and I totally would have dressed up too and gone through the whole scenerio, most likely even talking out loud in the car, more than once. =)

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