finale.

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I tried super hard after our first therapy appointment to envision what reconciliation would look like. I was fully committed to try and embrace the grey area for once and to take things one day at a time to potentially repair our marriage. I kept chanting to myself . . . we don’t have to make a decision today. Or tomorrow. Or even next week or month. What’s wrong with pausing and going back to basics and seeing what’s left, right? We fell in love once before, why couldn’t we find our way back there again?

WRONG.

On paper it seemed logical. In practice, it went up in smoke.

Just a couple days after our kick-off session – he went out of town. For an 11 day trip out of the country. The day he left was a little emotional. Neither one of us wanted him to go. It was a hopeful feeling . . . like, maybe there WAS something left between us after all?

As we got into the routine of his absence . . . and as the days wore on . . . I realized I didn’t miss him. And things felt off. It didn’t feel like there was anything left to try for. The only thing natural between us was sharing information about our son and chit chatting about surface-level daily happenings for a few minutes here and there. At one point he said, “I love you”, and while the sentiment came from a place of good intentions, it felt forced and insincere.

None of this feels like love. Not anymore. Not for a very long time.

No more grey area. This is a black and white decision.

We both know it’s over.

It was . . . IS . . . a very disheartening and sad feeling to have to admit to myself it’s really over. I haven’t wanted to admit it, and even in our darkest hours over the last several months a piece of me has held out sincere hope we’d pull through even when I didn’t see any possible way it could or would.

Having to admit it . . . REALLY admit it . . . we’re getting a DIVORCE . . . is so very bittersweet. Sweet, because I feel as if 1,000 pounds has been lifted off my shoulders and relief washed over me. No more what ifs and battling and struggling and sitting in therapy listening to all of his, “I don’t knows” when asked “why did you give up on me?” for the 800th time.

Yet, bitter, because of the intense sadness. An even deeper sadness consumes me now than the one I initially felt when he first asked to separate. This . . . this sadness . . . it has arrived with plans to settle in and stay awhile.

And the anger. I have so much of it.

Dealing with all of the anger is more challenging now. He is no longer a personal stock holder to my heart . . . which means even my anger needs to become my own. It still seeps out now and again in my interactions with him, but it’s starting to feel misplaced. This crisis that we started weathering as a couple and dealing with together is now an individual journey to finding peace and healing as single people.

Which, is going to be a dicey path forward since my personal life doesn’t include him at all, yet it includes him entirely since we share the most important person in our lives. This concept of co-parenting is one I’m really having a hard time grasping. I know it can be and mean whatever we want it to . . . but, I don’t know what I need or want it to look like yet.

I’m having a very hard time seeing the big picture right now in general. I have said a million times, being a single mom was NEVER once on my radar and I have never been so ill prepared for anything in my life. Thinking how a year from now I will be in a new house, with a new job, living an entirely different life with my little toddler in tow seems like such a foreign concept.

All I can really do today is hang on to my strong belief that everything happens for a reason. I don’t know what the reason is yet. I don’t know what I’m meant to learn from all this or why this had to happen to me. It feels like such a cruel joke the universe is playing on me. So, right now, all I can do is go with it and hope that one day I will be rewarded with a great, romantic love. I have to believe it’s out there and I have to believe I am deserving of it. What is going to be so amazing about it is that it won’t be a love I frantically reach for. It will be one that finds me, when the time is just right.

(Even if that time isn’t until I am old and senile and Charlie has planted me in a nursing home . . . I will patiently wait for it and be forever grateful to receive it.)

For the time being, the greatest love of my life is my sweet Charlie and he’s all that I need. I am so head over heels for this boy . . . a hug and a smile from him is all I really need to get through the toughest of days.

Oh man.

Life and its curveballs, you guys.  Life and its curveballs.

Comments

  1. I wish I could talk to couples before it gets to this point. Wisdom of years is a reality and bitter pill to swallow and I can honestly say “if I only knew then what I know now”. Godspeed. It does get better.

  2. I admire your strength so much and love you lots!

  3. Hugs to you and Charlie. Being able to admit where you are at emotionally and be completely honest is truly challenging. Give you lots of credit girl.

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