how crazy to think.

I have always played a little game with myself.

It doesn’t have a name. But it goes like this . . .

I like to recall a random, often seemingly insignificant event. Like the first memory I have of my husband. I can’t remember being introduced to him, but I can remember him on the balcony of our friend’s apartment, with an annoyed look on his face speaking to an ex-girlfriend.

Then, I like to say to myself, “How crazy would it have been, if in that moment, someone stopped time and tapped us each on the shoulder, pointed us out to one another and told us that one day we’d be married, have a baby and end up separated? Would we have believed we’d end up playing such significant roles in each other’s lives?”

I would have never believed it.
How crazy to think.

Or, I play the game from a more significant moment. Like, I think about the moment I was sitting in the salon chair getting my hair done on my wedding day and I was so overcome with emotion and the meaning of that day, that I hyperventilated. If someone had stopped me then to say – “hey – just FYI, but before your two year anniversary, you’ll be separated and your marriage will be in ruins. This moment that means everything to you right now, will soon mean a whole lot of nothing at all.”

I would have never believed it.
How crazy to think.

These thoughts always put in perspective for me how unpredictable life can be. Insignificant moments with strangers sometimes end up being significant moments where you are meeting someone who will play a huge role in your life. Or significant, meaningful moments that you think will always define your life and bring you such joy when remembered – they might end up feeling insignificant and meaningless and end up bringing you a lot of pain.

This is both the beauty and the tragedy that is life.

* * *

The past 6+ weeks have been really bittersweet.

On one hand, I’m still so angry and hurt beyond belief.

On the other, life has gone on and having such a sweet and hilarious 5.5 month old makes it impossible to be angry at life. The last thing I want to do is wallow and miss any precious moment with my son.

And I want him to have a present and involved father.

So, despite all the chaos and confusion that is our marriage . . . my husband and I have continued talking. Hanging out even so we can both be with Charlie. This has forced us to put our differences in opinion about our marriage away. And focus on just being parents. On being friends. On being ourselves. It’s made me remember . . . and I know made HIM remember . . . why we fell in love and got married in the first place.

But, even more important than that . . . it’s made me remember what I love most about myself. How when the going gets tough, I always get going. I am at my best when I’m busy rising above. Perhaps because I like to prove people wrong. How when everyone expects me to fall apart, I make it my mission to stay glued together.

These days . . . I’m not sure what’s going to become of everything. I haven’t yet figured out if our marriage fell apart because that’s what was meant to happen. Or if it fell apart so it could all fall back together.

I know either way the cookie crumbles . . . if someone were to tap me on the shoulder now and tell me where my life will be in another two years . . . I’d never believe it.

How crazy to think.

Comments

  1. i love your new blog and your writing. Big kudos to you for being able to keep it all in perspective. Hoping and praying for you that things work out the best for everyone. Charlie is so lucky to have you as a mama.

  2. Again, another beautifully written post Alison. So glad you continue to keep this up no matter where your adventures take you. You are a strong and wonderfully wonderful person! One things remains true throughout all of life and that is you will be where you are supposed to be as long as you keep following your heart. Keep on keepin’ on and proving everyone wrong while you do it. I admire you in more ways than you probably will ever know. I love ya babe and am always here for whatever you may need. PS. Charlie is one lucky dude to have you as his mom!

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