how’s it going to be

Amidst all the buzz of closing on the house and starting a new job and yadda yadda yadda, today I had to speak with my ex about some house items and somehow he ended up confessing that he has been seeing someone. I could tell he didn’t want to tell me, hadn’t wanted to tell me, hadn’t necessarily NEEDED to tell me, but it somehow came out anyway. Part of me was expecting to hear this, yet another part of me was also stunned at the confirmation.
Before I could even rationally get my head around the news and determine how I SHOULD react though, I simply burst into tears. What took place next was the most awkward 10 minutes of phone conversation I’ve ever had. I hate that I had to show emotion to him like that, but by the end of the conversation I think I had rebounded enough to walk away with my dignity at least. I’ve always been emotional when it comes to him, I think all in all he probably expected me to take the news much worse. I think everyone who has been through a breakup understands, that even when a relationship has been dead and over for quite some time, there is still always a jolt to learn the other person is pursuing a new relationship. It’s hard to know I’m officially just a blip of the past. I have to finally admit that someone I once knew so well, better than anyone else, is really just a stranger now.
After we hung up, I just felt sick to my stomach and still do. My ache over this is not in my heart at least. The pain is in my stomach like a nervous knot. Everything in a matter of weeks is wrapping up and finalizing and changing and it’s truly the end of an era. It’s exciting, but makes it hard to live in the now, while I’m in the in between. I just want to cut to the chase and get on to the good stuff!
Or, perhaps, the stomach pain is simply all the sugar I ingested today. Combined with the anxiety and excitement I’ve had over everything else going on, and some major lack of sleep because I’m unable to calm down and focus enough to sleep properly, my body probably just needs me to take a breath.
I really need to get myself in bed. I started this hours ago and now it’s nearly 2 am! I’m looking forward to sleeping like a rock and waking up in the morning with a clear head!

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