independence day

When there’s nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire . . .

The opening line that intros one of my favorite songs of all time. 
That was the song that randomly came on when I turned my iPod on this morning. 
The song is about a couple, broken up, running into each other in the city . . . however long down the road. It sparks a reflection back on the relationship, and it’s agreed that once the pain of the break-up faded, there was something to be gained from the relationship. No need to regret that it happened. At least that’s how I chose to interpret it.

It’s nothing but time and a face that you lose.

I listened to this song on repeat for months when I was trying to visualize a day my heart didn’t hurt over what transpired between my ex and me. Miraculously, one day, I woke up and realized it worked. The day did arrive – quietly and without fanfare – but, it happened. I’ll always carry that baggage with me somewhere, I’ll never be free from it affecting me in some way, shape or form, but at least today, I can appreciate what I went through with him.

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin.

What transpired with J . . . it certainly made me less naive. It made me more confident in myself and what I am capable of doing and surviving. It made me more realistic in my expectations of others. Forced me to realize happiness has to come from within. Most of all, it taught me that a lasting, loving relationship takes so much more than a mutual attraction and a shared history. It takes patience. Respect. Loyalty. Trust.

But, above all, it takes a mutual desire to simply make it work.

Without that, you’re left with nothing.

This weekend I am facing a similar bit of heart break all over again – albeit of a different sort – as S and I have decided to call it quits. Rather, I called it quits I suppose . . . he could only ask me for time . . . but time is the one thing that I don’t have to give. At the end of the day, there was an element missing. An element I know time is not going to change.

I chose to feel it and you couldn’t choose.

Even after only several months, it’s a huge sucker punch to the stomach. It hurts. That’s unavoidable. The urge to curl up in a ball and throw a temper tantrum at the universe is pretty overwhelming.

But. I have never been one to stay down long.

So, instead of curling up in a ball, I stopped by April and Jeremy’s for some encouraging words and a shoulder to cry on. April gave me water and juice to re-hydrate, tissue, and the pep talk I needed to hear. Jeremy gave me his big brotherly pat on the back and burned me the latest episodes of Dexter.

Now, I’ve stopped home to write, the one thing that always centers me and allows me to sort out a situation. I’m going to throw some ice on my eyes, put on some shorts and sunscreen, and go back out and tackle this weekend.

(The irony all this goes down on Independence Day weekend I find pretty humorous. The universe’s sick sense of humor at it again.)

This weekend, I plan to spend the weekend reconnecting with old friends and doing things with new. Next week, I officially start a new job. I plan to kick-ass at it. Next weekend, I move into a new smoke-free apartment. I plan to redecorate (hello, Ikea, which opens next month!) and give myself some new scenery.

I have a lot a lot a lot of goals for the last half of this year.

The one goal I’m erasing from my list . . . I plan to give up actively looking for love.

It’s love’s turn to try and find me.

Live through this, and you won’t look back.

Comments

  1. I’m so sorry, Al. ((Hugs))

    You should do a post with your goals for the rest of the year – I’d love to read what you have in mind!

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