nothing left to lose

The numbness from the past few months is wearing off, the heaviness of the situation has taken up permanent residence on my shoulders, and I spend each day anxious to get closer to the answers of what my future might hold. But, as each day passes . . . painfully long and short all at once . . . I feel no closer to resolution. Each night, I go to bed giving myself a pep talk. Reminding myself these months will one day be a drop in the bucket and all I can do now is be patient and weather the storm.

Just as we were prepared to file, and after weeks of pulling teeth to finalize the heart wrenching paperwork that will define the next 18 years of interactions, the husband raised a white flag and asked if I would go with him to talk to someone. Initially, I was very irritated and frustrated. Hadn’t I been suggesting this for months?

I was angry and bitter he was only now mentioning this. I spent over a week angrier than ever in my interactions with him. My spiteful outbursts were leaving me exhausted and worn down in an already exhausting and overwhelming situation. I started asking myself how long I really expected to keep this up? How long COULD I keep this up?

Finally, I had enough. Something’s gotta give.

What he’s done here is bad, yes. Of course I have every right to be angry. And hurt. And sad. But, it’s not physically or mentally possible for me to remain in such a state . . . and I know at some point I am going to have to move on. However, I know I can’t move on right now. This is all so unfinished and confusing and messy. If He Who Shall Not Be Named is extending an olive branch and is finally in a space where he is prepared to talk – well, it’s time to swallow my pride and sign up for the journey.

I have nothing left to lose.

We attended our first session on Friday. I remember thinking an hour was not going to be nearly enough to scratch the surface. We were surely going to need 90 minute sessions to even make headway, right? Wrong. I remember glancing at the clock and seeing only a quarter of the time had passed and willing the time to please go by faster.

The hour was long.

And intense.

The hardest part of the whole hour was being asked to talk about WHY we got married. Recall the times and events where we felt the most connected and loved by the other.

The reasons we got married and the good times we shared are the most draining and exhausting to recall . . . not because they don’t exist, but because they DID exist. And remembering them makes the reality of where we are now all that much harder to accept and confusing and heartbreaking.

We have no clear goals as a result of seeing someone. Best case –  we’ll learn how to reconnect. Worst case – we emerge with a better understanding of what happened, are able to accept it, forgive and move forward with the best interests of Charlie at heart.

Either way, it’s a win.

I have everything to gain.

The only catch is that we have to live “in the gray” for the time being. Effectively hitting the “pause” button on the status of our relationship while we sift through the wreckage to see what’s left. Once we can work through what’s there, we can determine what can be built from it.

So, even though it was emotional and upsetting and really hard to face this head on in a healthy and constructive manner . . . and  I stubbornly and dramatically said a few times during that first session that I was done and that I would not go back . . . in the end, through clenched teeth, I nodded and agreed to return.

I have nothing more to lose. And everything to gain.

Comments

  1. Been there. So been there. This is beautifully written. You are amazing and strong! Whatever happens….well its worth the ride:)

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