secret garden.

Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. 
~Luther Burbank
It’s been over two months now since settling back into life post-loss and I will admit, it hasn’t been easy. It seems time hasn’t healed my heart as much as I would have liked or expected it to.
I’ve done well going through the motions . . . I got back to work, motivated to recommit to my new role at He Who Shall Not Be Named’s company since I was no longer on temporary assignment until the baby arrived.
After getting back into work, the days got longer and milder (aside from the snowstorms we got once a week for like 6 weeks), which encouraged me to also get back to the gym and do something. So, I’ve finally started going back to yoga . . . finding solace in its practice that also contains metaphors for life that are soothing for the soul.
But, with work and yoga sprinkled in, it still wasn’t enough. I’d still find myself feeling lost and empty and found my mind constantly wandering back to March 8th.
So, I deep cleaned my house.
And for anyone who knows me, I’m not the tidiest person on the block. But, I suddenly have an obsession with my duster and vacuum and my house has been the neatest for the longest stretch of time ever.
But, I can only clean and run around shifting vases and rearranging books and candles long enough before my mind settles back to a place where I don’t want it to be.
I desperately needed another hobby, something more to keep my mind busy . . . or rather, to keep it still.
And last weekend I finally discovered a place I can go where my mind is still.
The backyard.
It started with some potted plants He Who Shall Not Be Named helped me start that peaked my interest.

Then, one evening a family friend, a professional landscape design artist, walked me through the yard. Pointing out plants, telling me what they were, telling me what were weeds, telling me what I should do to revive the planter boxes.

I didn’t expect anything exciting and I wasn’t absorbing much information until I learned we have peonies!!!!

They originally looked like dead stalks and I was expecting we’d have to dig them up. But, like magic, just a week later they turned green and started growing leaves.

Today, I checked and the buds are forming . . . they are going to bloom!!!
Knowing such a beautiful flower could exist in our yard, and that I could have the power to cultivate it . . . and to grow other things . . . I got really excited.
I jumped into the garden and spent a whole afternoon and then some de-weeding and cleaning up the boxes.
I wished I could spend all day out there.

And while it is rewarding tending to the garden, cleaning out the weeds and making it pretty and keeping things alive that someone else planted with such care . . . I want my own space, too. I want the chance to plant something and watch it thrive.

Two of the planter boxes have out of control ground coverings and ramptant weeds in them.

The perfect place for me to start fresh and take some place for myself.

I initially felt very conflicted, digging up something that was alive . . . but He Who Shall Not Be Named assured me it was really okay.

So, today I got to work.

There really is nothing more therapeutic than digging in the dirt. It’s just the best feeling to play in the soil and not worry about getting dirty. It is even fun to run into bugs, like the earth worms. I tried to pick as many up as I could and put them in areas I’m not digging in. I was worried about hurting them.
But, I saw so many I finally had to let saving them all go.
I just have to start to let things go.
So, along with my garden, I will de-weed and de-clutter and make room for new, exciting things to happen.

I can finally feel hopeful again.

Comments

  1. Hugs friend!!

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