silver linings.

Yesterday marked three months since we lost the baby. On that day, and in most of the weeks that have followed, I never thought I’d ever find a silver lining in what happened. It was cruel and awful and I never thought I’d find peace in life again.

Today, I can finally say I am at peace. And that I have found our silver lining.

It’s been a pretty tough road. Getting here, though.

It’s been tough, not only for myself, but for He Who Shall Not Be Named. And for us as a couple.

It was just a really really sad time in our house for a good bit. Moving through the stages of grief together . . . at different rates and with different intensities and coping mechanisms.

It was tough.

I got depressed.

And then it got even tougher for a while. And I wasn’t very fun for people to be around.

Thankfully, though, I woke up one day recently and just felt happy. Truly happy.

I went about my day and tried to pinpoint the source . . . what is making me happy? And how can I hang on to this feeling?

I realized it was what I’ve had in front of me all along – my family . . . He Who Shall Not Be Named, the dogs and the cats. And all the little things I do to take care of them and create a comfortable home.

In trying to busy myself over the past few months, when I thought I was just going through the motions . . . I was really learning what brings me joy and fulfillment out of my everyday routines. Routines that were turned upside-down since leaving the corporate world in December. Routines I never had a chance to truly get into when I was sick and pregnant and without motivation.

– I’ve learned now that I actually take great pride in having a tidy home and making it comfortable. It’s no longer a necessary evil.

– I have started cooking and found things I am good at and enjoy making (Mexican food!). I love having dinner ready when He Who Shall Not Be Named gets in from a long day.

– I have learned how to make a killer Manhattan (He Who Shall Not Be Named’s favorite cocktail) and I love making one for him to sip on as we hang out on our patio together.

– I have learned to appreciate what “entertaining” means and even when friends come over for a casual, last minute BBQ I love having the table set with some fresh flowers and pretty place settings.

Those are just a few of the things I’m surprisingly enjoying . . . but all of those, and everything else, I don’t think I would have discovered if we were still expecting a baby. When I was expecting . . . I was doing just that. Sitting around and just  expecting and waiting and putting all my time and energy into thinking about and preparing for the baby and not much else.

I wasn’t paying attention to the everyday things that really matter. And I haven’t for so long because for the past year we’ve been planning a wedding, buying a house and moving, or expecting a baby.

All super big things. Who had time to sit back and appreciate a fully dusted living room?

So that is my silver lining from the loss . . .

Being reminded life is about the little things and that happiness and contentment can be found in mundane tasks.

I’m finally looking forward to what the future holds and am okay with the fact we have to wait a little longer to grow our family. In the meantime, He Who Shall Not Be Named and I are more conscious of one another and focusing on spending quality time together and remain thankful for everything that we do have right now.

I’m the most thankful for having him as my partner. He’s always so supportive of whatever I’m doing and just wants me to be happy. And he does so many little things, too . . . he brings me fresh flowers home all of the time that I can keep sprinkled around the house. And he opens my car door for me on date nights. And he takes me to get ice cream or fro yo at all hours of the day, even if he’s not going to have any and we both know my hips don’t need it.

I’m just really lucky. But, for a while I was convinced my luck had run out. But, no, it hasn’t . . . I can create my own luck. And it’s okay to feel lucky and be happy, even if something awful did happen.

I needed that reminder.

Thanks, silver lining, for showing your face, finally.

Comments

  1. I’m glad things are starting to look up! I love your flowers – they’re so colorful and cheerful!

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