three hundred and sixty-five days.

Screen Shot 2015-08-27 at 8.04.32 PM

It’s been exactly one year since that terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Wow.

Even amongst all the broken pieces I was drowning in on this day last year . . . as I sat paralyzed on my living room couch that night hoping if I stayed still enough and long enough I’d be able to make it all stop . . . all I could do was just hang on to the notion that in one year everything would be different and everything would feel better, no matter what the outcome.

And, so yes, here we are.

It leaves me almost speechless. I have so many things to say and not a single one seems to come out the way I want it to. It’s such a conflicting feeling this all drudges up.

On one hand – it’s all okay. I don’t love or miss S’s face. He is a complete stranger to me in many ways now. I accept the fact we were completely wrong for each other and always were – I just chose not to see the writing on the wall. And it was written ALL over the wall.

On the other hand – none of this is okay. Being a single working mom is HARD. And it’s lonely. I don’t have a partner to gush about Charlie with or to share in special moments with and it makes me very very sad. A text message here or a shared iPhoto album there doesn’t even remotely replace the joy it would have been to raise Charlie in a home as one family. This isn’t how it was supposed to be. Why did I let myself get here?

Then I go down that path of analyzing and over analyzing that million dollar question and it’s not pretty.

Which always leads to insane guilt because that would negate Charlie’s existence if I WASN’T here and I would never, ever give him back.

So, I guess I should just be happy the marriage was short and [bitter]sweet, that while the bandaid hurt when it ripped off, overall, the recovery has been smooth and I’m on the other side and my sweet baby boy will never be the wiser.

I am happy and have accomplished A LOT in this year. Perhaps for the first time in my entire life, I feel like an ADULT. Like, I have a financial advisor and I got my will completed. I remodeled a bathroom. I sold USED CARS, for crying out loud. I mean, I DID stuff with my life.

But, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t shed a tear today for what I was going through a year ago. The numbing, searing physical pain of my world falling apart and seeing no light at the end of the tunnel. I felt trapped and worthless and my future felt bleak. No one should ever have to feel that way and I’m going to make it my life’s mission to never, ever allow someone the control in my life to do that to me again.

Then, I look at my sweet Charlie. Who, amid all the trauma and change, was busy growing up. He’s now a walking, almost talking, hurricane. Whose laugh and smile can cure anything, anytime. Even when I’m the only one here to witness it.

And if he is my prize for going through what I did, well, I’d weather a storm like this 100 times over.

So, there we have it . . .  One year later.

What’s in store this year, universe? I’m ready for you.

Speak Your Mind

*

%d bloggers like this: