time marches on.

Grief can’t be shared. Everyone carries it alone. His own burden in his own way — Anne Morrow Lindbergh

I just feel so lonely.

Which isn’t fair to say, because I’m surrounded by people who love and care about me.

And of course I have He Who Shall Not Be Named, who is wonderful and loving and supportive, not to mention he went through this, too.

But, I still feel incredibly alone.

I know I’m not the first or the last person to go through this or feel this way. I’m just having a really hard time coming to terms with how everything happened. The specialist said if she had seen my pregnancy at 8 weeks, she would have told me there was no way for it to end well and wouldn’t have given me any false hope.

That’s how bad the prognosis was from the start.

I’m sure that sounds pretty dramatic and sad and you think, but there’s always hope! But, sometimes there just isn’t.

Yet, we unknowingly carried on, naming the baby, picking out furniture, confidentially announcing for everyone to see on social media, and we were literally hours away from going to get paint samples for the nursery and buying our first round of baby stuff since the day I had surgery was our gender reveal day.

I guess we were “spared” at the very last minute.

So, those additional 8 weeks of being pregnant after our initial scare, being told to celebrate at 12 weeks and be confident we had a healthy baby, to carry on like we could actually breathe for once, then having to deal with it all crashing down around us in a matter of a week . . . it’s all very confusing to me and I’m a mess of emotions.

And right now we’re just left with a lot of unknowns and a lot of “what ifs” and best case and worst case scenarios constantly running through my head.

All kinds of crazy things I ask myself . . .

Was it because we went to Turkey right after I got pregnant? I ate some weird things – did I hurt the baby?
Do we have too much radon in our house?
Did I wait too long to switch prenatals to one that had iron?
Did the Prilosec I take hurt the baby?
Was last year too good to be true, did the universe wanted to remind me I’m not meant to be lucky or happy?

* * *

He Who Shall Not Be Named kindly booked me a relaxing massage on Tuesday. And it was great, except leaving the house I forgot how to get there and made two wrong turns.

It’s two miles away, right next to my old office, I was just too confused to remember where I was going.

It was really nice until the lady asked about the bruising on my hand and wrist. All black and blue from my blood draws and IV.

Thankfully I was still facing down and was able to cry quietly into the little doughnut pillow. By the time I had to sit up my eyes were blurry, but dry.

He Who Shall Not Be Named also gave me a project for that afternoon. He challenged me to pick a recipe, go grocery shopping and make dinner.

I never go to the grocery store and I never cook.

He figured it’d get me doing something, anything.

An hour before he got home, I started frantically sifting through food magazines.

Nothing sounded good, but something possessed me to grab a lamb recipe.

Lamb?

So, I went to the store and got everything I needed.

But, got home and cried because I had no clue why I picked it, I didn’t want it, and I certainly wasn’t going to cook it.

He Who Shall Not Be Named got home and we ate cheese whiz on crackers and cereal instead.

* * *

Yesterday’s project was to drive to the office and pick He Who Shall Not Be Named up for lunch.

I didn’t make any wrong turns and then met April for dessert. I decided it felt nice to be out, moving, so instead of going home I found myself at the mall buying some brightly colored spring clothes.

I thought a pair of mint green jeans might make my day.

None of my clothes fit me very well right now. I’ve lost the baby bump so I can thankfully get back in my regular pants, but I’m still carrying some extra pounds that make me feel stuffed in everything I wear. Getting dressed to go in public is a situation and is just yet another reminder of what happened.

* * *

Today is going to be a big day.

I tried to write about what’s coming up, but I realize putting all of my negative emotions and stresses into it isn’t really going to help the situation. So, I guess I’ll just remain indifferent, put on my mint green pants, and continue to let time march on.

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