wake me up when September ends.

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September has felt heavy. And we’re only halfway through.

My Facebook “on this day” reminders have been filled with wedding countdown posts from S . . . sentiments that once felt so happy and genuine and filled with promise . . . well, perhaps they were intended as so at the time, but it’s hard to imagine any emotion was behind it now.

This month would have been three years. Which is ridiculous I’m even acknowledging it since we were already separated by the time two years came along.

We celebrated one wedding anniversary.

One.

ONE?

Huh.

I walked down the aisle to an instrumental version of Coldplay’s Paradise. I mean, foreshadow much? I really just loved the melody, but I hear it now and I have to change the station like a hot potato because the words just feel like insult to injury.

Such a bummer when a break-up ruins a wonderful song. (What’s even worse? My MOST FAVORITE Death Cab for Cutie song OF ALL TIME was used in our wedding video. Now that’s a real tragedy.)

I mean, HOW am I supposed to reconcile any of this, though? It seems the more time that passes, the more confused the entire thing makes me. My head wants to explode with all the conflicting emotions this entire process has brought about. It has shaken every belief I thought I had and challenged every emotion I’ve ever felt.

I cannot wrap my head around what happened. I was there, I went through it, but it’s all just a blur. The Alison from three years ago is a stranger to me and I don’t know what she was thinking or feeling or why. Like that entire chapter of my life with S is smoke and mirrors.

Here I am, I emerged, as a mother, which is all I’ve ever wanted, but it came at a huge price . . . going it alone, with a cynical heart.

This is where I talk about my feelings on marriage.

And I just spent about 30 minutes writing my feelings and what relationships and possibly marriage mean to me going forward. But I can’t quite articulate any of that properly yet for public consumption . . . without sounding crazy and bitter, which I really don’t think I am . . . so, for now I’ll just leave it as saying I refuse to let the fear of being alone scare me into feeling like I have to frantically start dating or settling into another relationship. It’s not the thought of being single forever that scares me . . . it’s the thought of being tricked again into thinking something is the real deal when it’s not.  (My bar is set unapologetically high for the guys I chose to date now.)

So, September is heavy. My wedding weekend has been on a constant loop in my head and just when I think I’ve put it behind me, another reminder pops up and that feeling of how fleeting it all was and how it really did just fly from my reach is overwhelming. Thankfully, in my dreams, I do dream of paradise.

And finding love.

Perhaps my unconscious self is trying to convince me to being open to receiving it?

Who knows. Life is weird. And that’s all I have to say about that.

Comments

  1. Hugs Alison. Better days are yet to come.

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